The Idea of J-School Terrified Me. It Still Does.
No need to rub your eyes, yes you read that right. As a freshly admitted grad student at NYU Journalism (still feels unreal tbh), I’m indeed afraid of what’s ahead of me. But before delving deeper into how I’m feeling at this very moment, let me rewind the clock and share a few realizations that emerged along this lengthy and seemingly-endless eight-month process.
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I’ve been sitting on the thought of going to j-school for while, perhaps all the way back to my sophomore year in college. A now-NYT investigative journalist came to my journalism class to talk about her award-winning investigative project that led to substantial improvements in newborn screening practices nationwide. Ever since that encounter, something inexplicable just clicked, to the extent that I began to seriously consider journalism my true calling (ew, so corny).
As with anything else, before ‘making the commitment’, I took my time to test that initial spark. In the immortal lyrics of David Archuleta, I needed to ask myself, “is it real or just another crush??” If you follow my previous blogs a bit closely, you might recall how much of a struggle it’s been for me to find journalism-related jobs or in my book, it’s really just writing gigs. Again, for obvious reasons that every international student is too familiar with.
So how could I decide last September that I’d want to go to j-school and further my journalism aspirations? The answer is as simple as that, no matter what job/internship I take or what field (read: banking/technology) I dip my toes into, I always yearn for every opportunity to write, and when those chances don’t generate by themselves, I create an alternative space for my mind to wander and roam free, even through this poorly taken-care-of Medium blog.
It is the feeling of gratification that I’m addicted to. It is the prospect of “perhaps, my writing makes someone’s day a bit brighter today,” or, “my writing might have given voice to someone less privileged” that keeps pulling me back.
The carousel never stops turning.
Virtual high-five to anyone who gets the reference from this subtitle :). One thing my beloved journalism professor Manegold taught me as I finished up my application to j-school is that, even now that I’m about to embark on this graduate program, it is only the beginning. I casually refer to this as a process, implying that it must have a beginning and an end, but the more I think about it, the more I believe that framing isn’t entirely true.
Am I done, done now that I got accepted and am about to enroll in the school of my dreams? No. Am I gonna just magically become an informed, ethical journalist overnight? No. Am I gonna be able to help the many people I want to help in my community out there tomorrow? No.
Indeed, professor Manegold, there is yet another long long journey waiting for me. And yes, the carousel never stop turning because the moment you reach a milestone in life, another horizon automatically opens up.
We don’t just stop wishing, stop trying and stop working because we achieve something. We always, always crave for more.
There’s something more to it too. Throughout perhaps the last year, I have observed something pretty amazing that I hadn’t intend to happen as I share my thoughts with the world through my writings: Some friends and colleagues actually come to me and seek for writing help of all sorts, whether it is a media criticism assignment, a business proposal for a class, a resume to apply for a new job, a personal statement for grad school or a legal paper they’re struggling with.
While I understand not all writers are editors or like editing (if you know, you know), I swear I’d never say no to help out a friend to improve their writing and/or understanding of journalism. Okay I’m being kinda braggy here, but I do think it’s healthy to give myself some credit sometimes. Yo, like people trust me to read their words, to help them refine and refine until they’re happy with the piece. If there is such a thing as reputation or legacy out there, I would love mine to be a writer’s trusted friend.
Part of the reason why I want to be a journalist is to garner credibility and gain trust from people around me, to foster genuine relationships so we can open up a bit more easily about issues of conflicts without the fear of judgement or repercussion. I want people to feel like their viewpoints are respected and their voices are heard.
…Okay that’s quite a mouthful about my motivation for all this. Back to present.
The aftermath..
A few months ago when people asked me what my dream school was, I honestly had no clue. I was thinking, ah, I would likely end up with the school that gave me the most $$$. Well, that turns out to NOT be the case. Instead, I was unconsciously using the totality of circumstances test to help me decide on where I’ll be headed for the next couple years.
Back up for my non-lawyer folks, one of the good things that came out of me working among lawyers on a daily basis is that they would casually throw terms like “totality of circumstances” at you without realizing that it doesn’t make any sense to some dummies around the table. But as you can tell, it has grown on me, so the point is, I didn’t let one factor determine the outcome of my final decision.
NYU isn’t the school that gave me the most funding, but its program (plus all the perks that come with its Washington Square campus in New York) is the most suitable option for me at this point. The program is one and a half years, not too long, not too short, just enough for me to brush up some skills while enjoying life a bit. The courses I’ll take will be pretty flexible and extensive, given that I can take cross-concentration classes as well. There are just so many more unknown variables in the NYU program that make me more and more excited to find out this fall.
Perhaps, let yourself be open to a change of heart and see where it’ll take you? You’re never obliged to stay with one view or think you’d react a certain way. Give every option equal considerations so you won’t miss out on a pleasant surprise.
Where do I go from here?
So as the title of this blog goes, I’m still terrified that I actually got into j-school, and the impostor syndrome is really getting to me y’all. Am I qualified to be here? Am I good enough? Self-doubts and self-deprecating thoughts won’t go away just because of some validation. But I gotta remind myself of the “whys” all the freaking time so I can shift my mindset to something more optimistic and hopeful. It might just be a phase.
I’m a big believer in ‘you reap what you sow’. When you’re in the middle of it all, it would seem all mission impossible, but as long as you persist, the hardship will eventually pass not because it goes away by itself, but because you work for it.
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Well here’s to another chapter of my book! I’m going back home to Vietnam for the first time in two years this summer before starting school so I’m super stoked! I’m turning 23 soon but hell, sometimes I just want to be taken care of and pampered like a baby, especially after such an emotionally draining year. Let me know what else you want my take on these days :).
So onward!
